Tuesday, January 30, 2018

january 2018

i sort of can't believe that this space still exists, and that i don't hate what i wrote these past couple years. all the older stuff is still in drafts, and if anybody actually clicks on this and sees it... hi. my life is hugely different than when i first created this space. high school... i think it was 2009 was when i registered this username to blogspot, and was navigating public sharing versus private livejournal. i'll have you know my lj still exists, and i try to update it sporadically to keep my archives up. it serves as a nice marker of time, too. i am horrifically cheesy and live for the nostalgic moments, and my lj has been around since 2007. so that's that.

it's been a year or so since i last posted. since then, i've been continuing to plug away at my masters—starting up a year-long practicum in a school. i have a semester and a half left, and after july i should have a shiny masters degree to hang on my wall. so that's happening. i've been doing the post-secondary thing for 8 years now, but this one feels different. it feels not as big, even though it is. i think there were just less big changes that occurred during the duration of the degree. don't get me wrong, it feels like a huge accomplishment. it's just that during undergrad i was dealing with bigger things.

still a cat lady
also since my last post, i entered a relationship. the relationship. i'm with a great guy that i can confidently say is the one. that's a freaky sentence that i don't think i've typed or said out loud. i doubt he'll ever see this (and if he does, hi!) but it's no secret that we're going to be together. being in it with somebody has been a new and interesting experience, and i really have loved every second of it. oh and i mean, he adopted me a panda for christmas. i guess he can stick around.

i think i'm calling this year the year of learning. 2018. and the academic year that started in september. i also think i'm starting the year with the word acceptance. something i talk about as a therapist, and something i've always considered. but this year, it just feels bigger. 4 years ago, i received a diagnosis that rocked my world. i feel like recently i am finally coming to terms with it. i mean... i've been coming to terms with it for the past 4 years, and the experience of it ebbs and flows. i've learned to be more open with it, and learned that it's not as scary as i really think it is. it still holds a lot of power over my life though. i feel as if i can't be as open with my life as i'd like to be; at least not publicly. my work/future work/career makes me incredibly hesitant, although i'd like to think that i work in a supportive environment. stigma is real, stigma is rampant, and stigma is fucking terrifying. i want to be out of the mental health closet, but it is still the scariest thing in the world. so, i think this is the most public that i've ever talked about this. in my public, private (that i'm sure nobody reads or knows it exists. and if they do, i know who they are) space, i am even terrified of writing it out. but it's acceptance time, and i'm (sort of) ready to miniaturely get it out there. so here it goes...

i have bipolar disorder.

did i mention that it's the bell let's talk day? a day that i often despise. not because i hate mental health awareness or money raised, but because i hate the posts that occur on my feed that are just there for the likes. it bothers me to no end. where people talk about their suffering, and how it was just something to overcome. but... mental health isn't just a one time thing. at least it isn't for me. it's a forever thing, for reals. i want to so badly talk about my experience publicly. the support and help i've received. the mourning process. the shitty and scary parts. i want to write a book but quite honestly, so far, my story just isn't ready to be shared. cause it's barely been fucking written. so for now, i advocate quietly in my work as a therapist, and to those in my life who know, who love me, and who are supportive. and for right now, that just has to be enough.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

december 2016

another semester has come and gone... i am 5 semesters (a year and a half) away from graduating from my masters. weirdest sentence i've ever typed cause that doesn't even feel like a real thing. i had a 'win' today cause i got a nearly perfect grade on a paper i thought i was going to fail. well maybe not fail but i thought i was going to receive feedback that it wasn't concise, etc. etc. etc. not true i guess, but .... yeah.

 i got my nose pierced a little while ago.

so i finally have a break. i should be working but instead i'm giving into staying up way too late, sleeping in, reading books, doing crafts and feeling sorta melancholic. the weather in calgary is complete and utter shit—i didn't even go to the post office (the only thing on my to-do list) because it was too cold to walk, and too much work to warm up my car... when it gets cold, i get lazy.

i dunno. i've been dealing with some shit. 2 months of shit. longstanding stuff, stuff that doesn't ever really go away but something i had a bit of a break from for a little while. add in a persistent headache for a few weeks... it gets tiring. add in a boring semester and a volunteer commitment, you have a pretty tired and bored gabi. i haven't worked much this semester, which is something i'm not really accustomed to. i have a very sporadic, work as i please job. i'm floating around my life right now and just... trying to figure stuff out.

i want to get back into writing. it's something i love, something i like to do, something i'm sometimes good at, but in a creative, artistic sort of way. i don't do that type of writing anymore. now i'm strictly a journal writer, document the time writer. maybe one day that'll be a book but as it stands i really doubt it. i don't know. i don't know what to write but i want and need to be writing. right now i also want and need to be sleeping but here we are.


ramble, ramble, ramble.

maybe i'll see you around.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

on being a creative type

don't think too hard or else you might never stop.

writing papers is a painful process. there's an end point, but there's so many things that go into it. it's easy to slack and avoid, and avoid, and avoid, and avoid! story of my life, really. it's why i'm posting now. sometimes i feel so glad to be a grad student, glad to be studying my passion. but then often i don't feel like a grad student (lack of a physical classroom will do that to you), and i wish i was in a creative role or making things, or producing content and exploring that side. a different kind of painful, though, really.

i've come to realize that a lot of my life is about listening to stories. most of life is really about stories. fictional, when we immerse ourselves in literature or television; or spending time with friends, catching up on life. and now, i'm studying to learn to be a professional story listener. to help deconstruct what stories mean, and where those stories take you. this awareness of stories has made me want to create, to make me want to embark on a new adventure.


well, i left this post abandoned because i had to write, write, write my brains out. the last paper i had to write was a doozy, it involved conducting an interview, transcribing the interview, the lit review, and then the actual writing of the paper. transcribing wasn't technically part of the assignment, but it made writing that much easier. i didn't end up using the grand majority of what we talked about, but it was more or less the gist of it. 

i keep having these visions where i'm a creative-type. sometimes i yearn for a profession where i really dictate my own schedule, to produce what i want to produce, and to be constantly exploring creativity. i don't think it is ever really like that though, and those types of jobs end up still feeling like work. i'm not opposed to things feeling like work, either, i love my work. i really do. i don't really know what i mean by that.

my work is the opposite from the summery, daytime, coffee shop, exposed brick, meetings and mid day breaks that i sometimes dream about. my work alternates between getting up early (early for me, anyway, is 6am early?), having tea and breakfast, and managing junior high kids. by "manage" i mean... making sure their behaviour is school appropriate and allows them to participate in classrooms. a lot of debriefing is involved, same with cutting deals and following through with them. this is alternated with either getting up early or working late, and working on self-care and behaviours. kids. lots of germy kids. i emphasize the germs cause i've been sick for almost a week now and i am just miserable. 

MISERABLE. i am the worst sick person to ever exist. i am basically incapacitated to bed at the moment i feel achy and coughing and congested. i become totally worthless. sometimes i wonder if that is because i am a pro at dealing with mental suffering on the regular, and feel i have to push through no matter what, and being physically ill allows me to shut down, cause i just can't. i don't know, but really, all it does is emphasize the fact that i really suck at being sick. and here we are at 2 am, writing this post, watching youtube videos, and feeling sad that i have to miss another day of work. luckily it's a shorter work week for me, and i've only had to miss 2 days. ugh, though, still.

i don't know what the whole point of this post was but i'm posting it anyway. #yolo.

Sunday, February 7, 2016


 i started thinking this way last night, when i sat down for a conversation with a very dear friend. about how the expectations we set for ourselves are so high, yet we have such a long life to live. talking about undergrad times, what it was like to move away, what it was like to come back... and all the things that sat in-between. about making friends, making acquaintances, keeping in touch, and securing long time friendship. it's a funny thing, life. if you think too much, you start to question the meaning in everything and end up in an existential crisis wondering what the fuck your purpose is. i try not to get that far, because it does nothing but spawn a crisis which ends up being a lapse in productivity. sad, yet true. i don't know. it always feels like i am at a crossroads but i'm never quite too sure about where exactly i could be going in either direction.

so much happened during university. so many firsts! first year of university, first year of living alone, first year of being away from home, first love, first failures, first successes, first breakup. first adventures. i spent five years away, building a life and a community. i immersed myself into a new city, and into new friends and a new life, all while trying to maintain some semblance of "keeping in touch". it proved helpful when i graduated and said goodbye. now it just feels a little different, maybe a little more adult. jobs, master's degrees, weddings, houses, planning for the future, negotiating salaries... but now i'm also back in school. sometimes it feels like it should feel like what it felt like the first time around. you can't go back though.

i guess i'm at that crossroads. of being ready to skyrocket forward and never looking back, and of staying put and in one place. i'm ready for adventure, but i'm committed to being here for at least 2 more years. i'm ready to put plans in motion and to explore. i just read through the archives of this blog (which have long since been put to 'draft' since i didn't want to see them anymore) and my life in 2012 was so different. i had some thoughts about yoga (which is still very pertinent to my life now) and shared a lot of my day to day life. i'm sort of curious to do that again since my life is so very different. i don't quite feel like an adult, but reading back i certainly am a lot more grown up. life's weird that way. i think when i'm 30 i'll look back and feel the same way. maybe at that point i'll have a whole new life, fulfilling dreams i'm working toward now. who knows. i never though i'd be here, yet here i am.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

life thoughts // an update

i was laying in bed watching some of my favourite youtubers, and i got the lust-filled feeling to want to wander and get lost and read books and escape into an imaginary place where i sit in coffee shops and read books and write and create. while that's not really my reality (it's january, i work two jobs, volunteer and go to school) it's fun to dream. i also feel like i'm a pretty lazy human, and i'm not going to lie: a lot of my down time is spent taking naps or passively watching tv. but this wandering wanderlust-y feeling inspired me to stop the youtube videos, and to write on this long lost space. oh, i'm also supposed to be doing schoolwork... oops.

i guess now is a good time to do write a little update. i have no idea if anybody actually ever reads this, but the first bit of news is that sam and i decided it was time to put with wanderlust to rest. if you're interested, you can click the link and read through our archives. the domain is still active for another year (oops, i didn't realize i had set up my credit card/account to auto renew) but we won't be posting. the other news is more gabi-related. i quit my job (kind of), got a new job (kind of), started volunteering (kind of) and am in school. does that make sense?

august 2014 i started working a really challenging but wonderful job, and the next month took on a part-time subbing job. january 2014, i turned 23, and decided i felt restless and was ready for graduate school. i was accepted! so, i gave up working full time, and now work an array of days at both jobs which makes up enough hours to support my shopping habits and various bills. i just finished my first semester of grad school, and am in the beginning weeks of the second. i'm still adjusting to the format of my program (blended learning, mostly online but in-person components) but i am loving the flexibility it allows me. i turned 24 a couple weeks ago, and started regular part-time hours at a junior high school working with kids with various mental health and behaviour struggles. i am also finishing up training for the crisis line here in calgary.

it's busy. i'm busy. i love it, but i really need to consider my priorities and get my head in the game. last week i started a 40 day yoga challenge (40 classes in 40 days) and fitting that in to my already hectic schedule has been a struggle but again... i need to get my head in the game. but for now... this reflect-y dreamy state i'm in is one to appreciate. lots of reflecting has happened lately, and i look back at my life in undergrad, in ottawa, and i feel that i can barely recognize myself. in the last year and a half of working and having an actual, real break from school, i've changed. i'm getting better. i feel older, and more in control of my life. not that i *didn't* before,  but... it's different. overall, i'm pretty excited about my future. i'm in school to become what i've always wanted to do. i'm working job(s) that i love. i'm getting back into a volunteer role that i loved. getting back into yoga. 2016 is going to be a good one. thanks for joining me on this ride.

Friday, August 29, 2014

return to calgary


i think it's safe to say that this space is updated pretty sporadically. the last few times i posted were videos that were taken during a pretty fun time in my life. it was the beginning of my last semester of undergrad! while there were lots of challenges during my last semester, i walked the stage in june! that felt fantastic. my hard work paid off. my degree is now hanging on the basement wall of my parents house. i spent the last few months working full-time at the boutique, and spending as much time as possible on the ottawa patios with friends.

at the end of july my dad flew back out to ottawa, and we packed up a rental car with all of my belongings. my life in an SUV. we took 4 days to drive from ottawa to calgary. it was a long drive (especially with small pets) but enjoyable. we listened to a lot of podcasts and chatted about life. since i got back, i've been slowly re-organizing my place in my parents house—my house once again. i started to get bored pretty quickly and started applying for jobs. within two weeks, i was employed. i didn't think it would happen that quickly! i was hoping to have a job for september first.

i started my job last week. it's challenging work, but is within my field. i can actually say that now. "my field". feels pretty weird saying that. it's weird not going back to school this fall, and even weirder to be working a full-time job that isn't retail. i am working strange hours and strange days, but it feels right. it's what i'm meant to be doing in this stage and season of my life.

being back home is an adjustment. there's no other way to say it. i feel like i've left a life behind and am starting anew. i'm hoping to have more to share soon on this blog, as well as the shared blog i write with my best friend. see ya next time!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014


on the weekends, my friends and i often meet up for breakfast. typically, we plan for around 9 o'clock, and end up going around 1130. we plan early to be ambitious, but end up being too tired to get up to go in the morning. 

we've deduced our breakfast meetings to this: somebody is always late, and somebody always brings a friend. 

a couple weekends ago, we had our biggest breakfast group yet—and this is what enfolded. say hello to 'THE BREAKFAST CLUB'. this first episode is starring peter, telling an unbelievable, yet believable anecdote about a ferret. 

thanks peter (and gang) for letting me film your lovely faces and posting it on the internet! 

stay tuned for future episodes! before they happen though... we need to go for breakfast.