Sunday, February 7, 2016
i started thinking this way last night, when i sat down for a conversation with a very dear friend. about how the expectations we set for ourselves are so high, yet we have such a long life to live. talking about undergrad times, what it was like to move away, what it was like to come back... and all the things that sat in-between. about making friends, making acquaintances, keeping in touch, and securing long time friendship. it's a funny thing, life. if you think too much, you start to question the meaning in everything and end up in an existential crisis wondering what the fuck your purpose is. i try not to get that far, because it does nothing but spawn a crisis which ends up being a lapse in productivity. sad, yet true. i don't know. it always feels like i am at a crossroads but i'm never quite too sure about where exactly i could be going in either direction.
so much happened during university. so many firsts! first year of university, first year of living alone, first year of being away from home, first love, first failures, first successes, first breakup. first adventures. i spent five years away, building a life and a community. i immersed myself into a new city, and into new friends and a new life, all while trying to maintain some semblance of "keeping in touch". it proved helpful when i graduated and said goodbye. now it just feels a little different, maybe a little more adult. jobs, master's degrees, weddings, houses, planning for the future, negotiating salaries... but now i'm also back in school. sometimes it feels like it should feel like what it felt like the first time around. you can't go back though.
i guess i'm at that crossroads. of being ready to skyrocket forward and never looking back, and of staying put and in one place. i'm ready for adventure, but i'm committed to being here for at least 2 more years. i'm ready to put plans in motion and to explore. i just read through the archives of this blog (which have long since been put to 'draft' since i didn't want to see them anymore) and my life in 2012 was so different. i had some thoughts about yoga (which is still very pertinent to my life now) and shared a lot of my day to day life. i'm sort of curious to do that again since my life is so very different. i don't quite feel like an adult, but reading back i certainly am a lot more grown up. life's weird that way. i think when i'm 30 i'll look back and feel the same way. maybe at that point i'll have a whole new life, fulfilling dreams i'm working toward now. who knows. i never though i'd be here, yet here i am.