writing papers is a painful process. there's an end point, but there's so many things that go into it. it's easy to slack and avoid, and avoid, and avoid, and avoid! story of my life, really. it's why i'm posting now. sometimes i feel so glad to be a grad student, glad to be studying my passion. but then often i don't feel like a grad student (lack of a physical classroom will do that to you), and i wish i was in a creative role or making things, or producing content and exploring that side. a different kind of painful, though, really.
i've come to realize that a lot of my life is about listening to stories. most of life is really about stories. fictional, when we immerse ourselves in literature or television; or spending time with friends, catching up on life. and now, i'm studying to learn to be a professional story listener. to help deconstruct what stories mean, and where those stories take you. this awareness of stories has made me want to create, to make me want to embark on a new adventure.
well, i left this post abandoned because i had to write, write, write my brains out. the last paper i had to write was a doozy, it involved conducting an interview, transcribing the interview, the lit review, and then the actual writing of the paper. transcribing wasn't technically part of the assignment, but it made writing that much easier. i didn't end up using the grand majority of what we talked about, but it was more or less the gist of it.
i keep having these visions where i'm a creative-type. sometimes i yearn for a profession where i really dictate my own schedule, to produce what i want to produce, and to be constantly exploring creativity. i don't think it is ever really like that though, and those types of jobs end up still feeling like work. i'm not opposed to things feeling like work, either, i love my work. i really do. i don't really know what i mean by that.
my work is the opposite from the summery, daytime, coffee shop, exposed brick, meetings and mid day breaks that i sometimes dream about. my work alternates between getting up early (early for me, anyway, is 6am early?), having tea and breakfast, and managing junior high kids. by "manage" i mean... making sure their behaviour is school appropriate and allows them to participate in classrooms. a lot of debriefing is involved, same with cutting deals and following through with them. this is alternated with either getting up early or working late, and working on self-care and behaviours. kids. lots of germy kids. i emphasize the germs cause i've been sick for almost a week now and i am just miserable.
MISERABLE. i am the worst sick person to ever exist. i am basically incapacitated to bed at the moment i feel achy and coughing and congested. i become totally worthless. sometimes i wonder if that is because i am a pro at dealing with mental suffering on the regular, and feel i have to push through no matter what, and being physically ill allows me to shut down, cause i just can't. i don't know, but really, all it does is emphasize the fact that i really suck at being sick. and here we are at 2 am, writing this post, watching youtube videos, and feeling sad that i have to miss another day of work. luckily it's a shorter work week for me, and i've only had to miss 2 days. ugh, though, still.
i don't know what the whole point of this post was but i'm posting it anyway. #yolo.