Tuesday, January 30, 2018

january 2018

i sort of can't believe that this space still exists, and that i don't hate what i wrote these past couple years. all the older stuff is still in drafts, and if anybody actually clicks on this and sees it... hi. my life is hugely different than when i first created this space. high school... i think it was 2009 was when i registered this username to blogspot, and was navigating public sharing versus private livejournal. i'll have you know my lj still exists, and i try to update it sporadically to keep my archives up. it serves as a nice marker of time, too. i am horrifically cheesy and live for the nostalgic moments, and my lj has been around since 2007. so that's that.

it's been a year or so since i last posted. since then, i've been continuing to plug away at my masters—starting up a year-long practicum in a school. i have a semester and a half left, and after july i should have a shiny masters degree to hang on my wall. so that's happening. i've been doing the post-secondary thing for 8 years now, but this one feels different. it feels not as big, even though it is. i think there were just less big changes that occurred during the duration of the degree. don't get me wrong, it feels like a huge accomplishment. it's just that during undergrad i was dealing with bigger things.

still a cat lady
also since my last post, i entered a relationship. the relationship. i'm with a great guy that i can confidently say is the one. that's a freaky sentence that i don't think i've typed or said out loud. i doubt he'll ever see this (and if he does, hi!) but it's no secret that we're going to be together. being in it with somebody has been a new and interesting experience, and i really have loved every second of it. oh and i mean, he adopted me a panda for christmas. i guess he can stick around.

i think i'm calling this year the year of learning. 2018. and the academic year that started in september. i also think i'm starting the year with the word acceptance. something i talk about as a therapist, and something i've always considered. but this year, it just feels bigger. 4 years ago, i received a diagnosis that rocked my world. i feel like recently i am finally coming to terms with it. i mean... i've been coming to terms with it for the past 4 years, and the experience of it ebbs and flows. i've learned to be more open with it, and learned that it's not as scary as i really think it is. it still holds a lot of power over my life though. i feel as if i can't be as open with my life as i'd like to be; at least not publicly. my work/future work/career makes me incredibly hesitant, although i'd like to think that i work in a supportive environment. stigma is real, stigma is rampant, and stigma is fucking terrifying. i want to be out of the mental health closet, but it is still the scariest thing in the world. so, i think this is the most public that i've ever talked about this. in my public, private (that i'm sure nobody reads or knows it exists. and if they do, i know who they are) space, i am even terrified of writing it out. but it's acceptance time, and i'm (sort of) ready to miniaturely get it out there. so here it goes...

i have bipolar disorder.

did i mention that it's the bell let's talk day? a day that i often despise. not because i hate mental health awareness or money raised, but because i hate the posts that occur on my feed that are just there for the likes. it bothers me to no end. where people talk about their suffering, and how it was just something to overcome. but... mental health isn't just a one time thing. at least it isn't for me. it's a forever thing, for reals. i want to so badly talk about my experience publicly. the support and help i've received. the mourning process. the shitty and scary parts. i want to write a book but quite honestly, so far, my story just isn't ready to be shared. cause it's barely been fucking written. so for now, i advocate quietly in my work as a therapist, and to those in my life who know, who love me, and who are supportive. and for right now, that just has to be enough.

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